"Why Do You Want to Rehash the Past?" Three Reactions to My Process

I've done a lot of work to get to where I am today.  I'm not done.  I'm not done.  I'm not done, and I don't expect to ever be done.  I'm still angry sometimes.  I'm still sad sometimes.  I'm still working and working and working on building myself back into the person I was always meant to be.  I'll never have that happy childhood that others had; I'll never have that secure base John Bowlby talks about, and I've got a lock on a lot of the horrible stuff Alice Miller talks about in her books.  I've accepted that, and I go to counseling twice a month, and I write and I read and I process and clearly I've hashed a lot of it out because I can write about some of these experiences without devolving into white hot rage the way I used to all the time.

And I can talk about them with other people, people who have had similar experiences.  Talking is how I process, so this is really helpful to me.  I also process through writing, which is one reason this blog is so helpful to me.  I'm also writing to tell the truth to other people, and help in any way I can.  If someone else reads these words and feels less alone, I've done my job and served my purpose in this plane of existence as I see it.  But it also helps me to make sense of what I've been through.

I've had varying reactions when I talk about my family with people I know, and it's interesting to me how they play out.  Most of these people have had issues with their parents, but I also noticed it when I've talked about difficult interactions with almost anyone.  Let me be clear, I am not judging here.  I know everyone has different ways of handling these issues.  But I do find it fascinating how different people handle these difficult subjects.  Here are the main reactions I've seen:

Type A:  This person does not want to talk about it.  Period, full stop, end of conversation.  I get the feeling that these folks are just unwilling or unable to self-reflect at all.  Sometimes they've been damaged by others and refuse to think about themselves at all, sometimes they are self-medicating to the point of self-abuse, sometimes they don't want to feel anything ever again.  It's tough to get deeper than the next five minutes, and easy to see that you'll never make any headway with them.  Glossing over is probably a really good summary, because they don't seem to have heard anything you've said.  

Type B:  This person is okay with you talking about it at first, but they get progressively uncomfortable the more you talk about it, or as they talk about their history.  "Isn't this just dredging up old memories?"  "Doesn't this hurt when you think about all the old feelings of the past?"  When I asked one of these folks about what was making them uncomfortable, she said that she felt like she was back in the situation, and she was feeling the emotions that she felt back then.  She was getting angrier and angrier every moment that she talked about it.  I'm not a counselor, but I asked her if she could separate herself from that moment in time, and see her parent's ridiculous motivations through today's perspective, with the knowledge she has now.  That seemed to help her and she's been easier about talking with me since then.  But another woman has stuck in this same stage and unless she initiates the conversation, I steer clear of the topic out of respect for her.  

Type C:  This is my style, where delving in and really processing with someone else helps immensely.  It makes things clearer for me, it defines terms, it makes things go deeper and opens them up to the fresh air.  Talking to someone and exchanging ideas is a creative process, and you learn so much from the other person's perspective.  

Everyone has their own way of processing, and far be it from me to prescribe the One True Way of dealing with stress and trauma.  I'm always interested in how different people process things, and it'll be interesting to see if there are more categories as time goes on.