10. “Are you really going to wear THAT to school?” [My mom; See #1]
9. “Are you a BOY or a GIRL?” [Too many girls and women to count]
8. “Did you know you’re wearing two DIFFERENT earrings?” [This in the Cyndi Lauper era. But I couldn’t take the heat from this popular girl; I took both of my earrings out and never showed myself through clothes again.]
7. “Don’t you ever wear a DRESS?” “I bet she doesn’t even have one!” [I did; the last time I’d worn one, someone had tried to flip up my skirt. Besides, in middle school, playing on the monkey bars was more important to me.]
6. “We’re here to help any student who needs it. Please come see us if you need anything at all.” [That’s what the “caring” female teachers and administrators at every school I attended would say. Their actions showed that they wanted to help if the popular, attractive kids had problems. They were dismissive to the fat, ugly, or argumentative kids, who actually needed help, or worse yet, punished those kids for things that were beyond their control. I quickly learned that I was part of the crowd that did not deserve to be heard, seen, or helped.]
5. “Open your mouth wider, now. The dentist won’t be able to work if you don’t open your mouth.” [My mouth was really small, and I couldn’t open it wider, but they didn’t give me a chance to talk. It hurt really badly when they forced it open, and their long, acrylic fingernails sliced into my gums. My mom would only tell me to shut up if I complained, so I kept quiet afterwards and comforted myself with sugarless gum or a toy from the basket. I was eight. This happened every year, and got worse when I had to go to an orthodontist. The doctors were always men; the assistants were always women, and they never listened to me or looked me in the eye.]
4. “You have a RASH? Behind your EAR? Ha ha ha ha ha ha!” [Oh, Tammy Olley. She lived half a mile from me, rode my school bus, played my favorite sport, and bullied me for six years. She was adopted, undoubtedly abused at home, and took that with her everywhere she went, attacking everyone around her before she could be attacked. I was smart, pretty (to everyone but me), and she ground me to dust every day. I couldn’t stand up to her, so I did my best to stay small and out of her way. I always thought that if she understood me, she wouldn’t tease me so much, so if she asked a question, I would answer honestly. One day she asked what happened to my ear, and I said I had a rash behind my ear. It was eczema, brought on by stress, and I’d put some cream on it. She nagged me about it on the bus for a full year.]
3. My seventh grade P.E. teacher pulled me aside after class one day to talk to me about using deodorant, telling me that some teachers had complained about me smelling bad in their classrooms. Instead of asking why my parents hadn’t taught me about hygiene, or being compassionate toward me, she rolled her eyes, said the bare minimum, and got me out the door as fast as she could. She had been one of my favorite teachers before this. I was mortified, and started sneaking my dad’s ultra strength anti-perspirant each day before school.
2. The summer before seventh grade, I met a new friend, Angie, and we hit it off immediately. I’d never had a friend who lived so close to me, and we rode our bikes all over town and did everything together. I knew that once I started at my new school, having a friend would change my whole life. After a brief honeymoon period of being the new girl, everyone figured out that I wasn’t cool, and Angie dropped me like a hot rock. She told all of my secrets and teased me mercilessly, making fun of me with her new best friend every single day for two years.
1. Oh Mother. You started it all. You earned this special spot in this list, in my heart, in my head. You judged me as wanting my whole life. You said I was ugly, fat, and unlovable. When I started becoming pretty, you felt threatened and sabotaged my looks with horrible home permanents and awful clothes. You criticized everything I did, made fun of who I was as a person, and never let me feel safe at home. You ignored my basic needs, and taught me nothing about how to take care of myself. Occasionally, you acted like a real mom, and just when I found my footing, you would attack again so I didn’t know what to expect next. Your attention to detail was astounding. You turned me into a love-starved animal that would do anything at all for one positive glance from anyone.
When that red-haired, sly 16-year-old guy saw 12-year-old me across the room that day, I didn’t stand a chance.
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