When I was growing up, I had a lot of awkward moments in my life. Shocking, I know! Having skipped kindergarten made me a little socially awkward, and being a truth-teller in a world that valued social grace and smoothing things over didn't help. But many times I would get into a situation where I just didn't know what to do, and I would freeze up, smile and just nod politely until the situation ended. I didn't know what to say or do. I didn't know how to react. I almost left the room until it was over; we'd re-entered the normal universe and I could recognize what was going on.
At the time, I just glossed over it, pushed it away like it was nothing. I didn't know what to think, so I didn't think about it. But a few years ago, I read that the scientific community had expanded the concept of "Fight or Flight" to include "Fight, Flight, or Freeze," and I just about shouted in recognition. This was exactly what I'd been doing!
Throughout my childhood, I was under constant stress, not knowing if or when I was going to be yelled at, who was going to be angry about what. As children, we were too small to fight, and we couldn't flee from the house we lived in. I learned to freeze, to just hold still and try not to attract any attention. If I just stayed still, maybe they wouldn't notice me. Maybe I wouldn't get yelled at. Maybe these angry, vengeful beings wouldn't hurt me if I was quiet and apologetic enough.
Looking back, I think this behavior kicked in when I was in awkward or stressful situations, as one kind of post-traumatic stress reaction. When I was in middle school, one of my schoolmates talked with me about sex. She was a good friend, but I wasn't as knowledgeable as she was, and I didn't know what to say. If I had been calm, I would have asked questions and found things out and learned from her - I really needed to know some of these things for future reference! Instead, I froze and just survived the conversation instead of living in it.
The biggest trigger for this behavior was not just that I didn't know what to say. It's that I didn't know the *exact* right thing to say. I grew up as a gold star girl, meaning that sometimes the only positive feedback I got was giving the right answers in school. I knew the answers, and I knew what to do in a classroom. But at home, my mom made fun of almost everything I said, and if I said anything out in the world, she berated me later for saying it wrong, or told me I wasn't supposed to be talking at all. So even when she was nowhere near me, I could hear her voice in my ears, telling me I was going to say the wrong thing, and I couldn't say anything. Especially with a friendship on the line, which is something I could not afford to lose.
If I was embarrassed about something, I couldn't bring myself to speak any words about it, choosing instead to block it out completely. If something became difficult, or I sensed that someone was angry with me, or there was conflict with a roommate, I would make a joke, defer to them, bend over backwards, anything to avoid the conflict. But if it came to conflict, I was gone, daddy, gone. If I could leave, I would; if there was a conversation, I was nodding and smiling, and I am sure I wasn't really there.
I missed a lot, in those frozen moments. I'm sorry if one of them was with you.
